We breathlessly await your response, tEh ReLiCs.

 Date: Mon, 18 Feb 2008 11:35:24 -0800
 Subject: RE: Hi Adam..
 From: phoenix@bigtimeentertainment.net
 To: artstagesound@hotmail.com
 hey D, thanks for getting back to me. Please get this back in so i have all the info i need to book you the best I can, AND so you know all the details of what we do. Then i can see what dates you'll fit best onto. (What date I'll fit best onto? Sexy.)
 (My Pre-printed form begins here. Ka-cHiNg) This is Adam from BigTime Entertainment. I need a Booking Form from each act before I can book them for any BigTime shows, so make sure to get this back to me even if you can't play any dates this month. Regardless of when you'll be able to start playing BigTime shows, it's best to get this in as soon as possible--so you'll have access to the most up-to-date show availability from now on. GoLLy! While filling out our Booking Form, most of your questions will be answered. However, if you have any additional questions after completing your form, please submit the form first and then E-mail those questions separately..mY bRAiN hUuRtS..This will help the Booking process to go as smoothly as possible. We LuBe!

Right now we have show availability for almost all genres (Do you have any Musical Theatre?) coming up in the next 2 months. Once you've returned your form and we know more about your band, we will be able to send you our upcoming dates for shows that you'll fit best on.
 

..:NAMESPACE PREFIX = ST1 />PHOENIX Booking Form:
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 1. So that we don't get these forms mixed up: Please type your Act name below (MAKE SURE to type it Case Sensitive the way you want it to look on tickets and web listings):  tEh ReLiCs
1b. How many members total perform onstage? aLL 4 (dePeNdiNg oN tHe sLuT rAtiO) bUt i NeEd ViAgRa SuMtiMes (dRiNkiN).
 
 2. We need a primary & secondary Phone Number from two different members (he..he. He said "members") in your band, preferably a cell phone number that your band will have with you when you go to play shows. -Primary Cell Number: iM nOt sUre iM rEaDy. bE aSsUrEd wE aRe gEtTiN oNe.  -Secondary Cell Number: oH Ya..tWo.
 2b. Please provide a secondary e-mail address for us to have on file for your group: E-mail Address: I JuSt cAn'T nAiL a FuNnY E-MaiL. LaMe.
 
 3. How would you describe specifically what type of music you play AND what bands you sound similar to? TaLkiNg aBoUt MuSic iS LiKe DaNciNg aBoUt FoOd. wE pLay BoTh KiNds, GaRaGe and PuNk.  hA Ha! uH..Did Ya cHecK the WeBsIte..oLd SkOoL bAbY.
 3b. In order to make sure we book you with bands similar to your style of music, where can I hear your music online? And what is your web site address? www.therelicskickass.com. It's really  great that you approach this with such care. Bookin is indeed a subtle and mysterious art. I can't imagine the hours you must spend. Makin da scene.

 4. BigTime wants every band that plays for us to feel good about their experience and their contribution to local music in their area.  LiKe yOu dO! We want you to know exactly where your Fans ticket buying dollar goes (hint: it's uS!) so before moving on with the form completion, please review the BigTime Breakdown website: http://www.BigTimeFeedback.com/Breakdown
To indicate you have read the Breakdown site please type "YES" below: Uhmm..yEaH....
4b. (OPTIONAL) If you want to be more informed about the different types of shows that are available to local artists, feel free to check out: PeRmAnEntLy.. http://www.BigTimeEntertainment.ORGaN.
 
5. We need each act to bring in at LEAST the number of people specified below for each Venue. This minimum draw requirement varies depending on the size and prestige of the venue. This requirement is vital to ensure that ALL of the acts on the bill can count the night a success and to ensure the long term survival and success of the venues, which provide a home in the PHOENIX Market not only for your band but also for your favorite local, regional, and national performers. iM trYiN tO uNdeRsTanD..but I Don'T tHiNk aNy oF tHiS mAkeS aCtUal sEnSe. Acts that fail to bring their share of the crowd have not done their part to make the show a success. These acts put in little or no effort to bring in their share of the crowd, and in turn end up playing for everyone else's fans--benefiting from the hard work of others without offering any contribution to the other artist's exposure. BigTime believes that artists should SHARE fans-not steal them (maybe eat them). This can only be done if each act brings their share of the crowd. (KumBaYah). To be most FAIR in determining band order, acts that bring the most people to our shows get to choose exactly the time slot they would like to play. Artists that bring out a lot of people make it possible for us to work with them on a consistent basis. Also, your payment will be primarily proportional to your draw for the night. The typical BigTime show (how would they know, they've never seen one) consists of 5-6 acts (who the fuck talks like this?) with 30 minute sets--(Though special accommodations (sic, can't ya even spellcheck. SheesH.) can be made if needed, (like our beginners 8 minute package). Also special shows--with longer sets, less bands, etc--will be available for acts who are reliable and are consistenly great to work with. Oh yeah, I mean pimp more tickets, sorry.  For a full description of how your payment will be calculated, (ahh..stop..yur killin..me) refer to the ** footnote at the bottom of the page: http://www.BigTimeFeedback.com/Breakdown Payment information will also be provided each time you book a show. So, it is very much in YOUR (always capitalize for emphasis) best interest to work hard in bringing as many people to the show as you can. Taking this into account, can you guarantee your band will bring AT LEAST 30 people to come see you play--regardless of the night of the week or other acts on the bill? nO. 

6. BigTime is here for you, **hUg** and we want to accomodate our artists (you might need a shoe horn) as much as we can! Everytime you bring out at least 30+ fans to see you play one of our shows, we'll be able to get you bonus payments and other cool perks the next show you play with us after that. Our goal is to be able to provide these special opportunities for each artist, and as you demonstrate consistent reliability, we'll be happy to do whatever we can. Please type "YES" to indicate you are aware of this.  CoOl! PeRkS! SiGn Me uP bOeeY!

 7. Tickets in advance are $8.00 for The Sets. The door admission is $10.00 for The Sets. Events produced by BigTime Entertainment are *NEVER* "Pay to Play." Your band does not have to pre-purchase the tickets to a BigTime event. Once confirmed for a show, we will just send you tickets to sell to your fans. We have found acts that don't pre-sell tickets have a MUCH lower attendance than acts that do (actually we just thought about it at a meeting but we think it makes sense), mainly because without pre-sold tickets most people that promise to attend fail to actually show up. Our studies show that fans who pre-purchase a ticket are SEVEN times (9 out of 10 Dr's) more likely to come to the event. Because they have financially comitted to the show and have already purchased a ticket, fans will make sure that they attend your show. Taking all of this into account, is your band willing to pre-sell tickets for a BigTime show to your friends (gEt sUm) and fans? 8 BuCkS!! fOr dA SeTs!! gEt oUttA tOwN!! iM gOnNa pUsh tHe fAiThFuL tO pAy 8 bUcKs tA sEe uS pLaY 1/2 a sEt? Seriously, I doubt your ability to guarantee a show worth that. Pushing 5 or 6 bands that only know 5 or 6 songs is not likely to provide a coherent experience to the reason for existing, i.e. tHe AuDieNce. This may be killing live music. I hear there's a lot of DJ's working steadily. We think that's unfortunate. 

 8. On our Artist Resources site, we have developed in-depth articles on alternative promotional strategies that our staff has found to be personally effective. These are also strategies that have been used by our most successful artists. Following these strategies will ensure the best possible results for every show you play, whether for BigTime or other events. The site is also designed to challenge our artists to be creative in their promo efforts and to continually test and evaluate the effectiveness of every promotional technique they use. Before moving on with the form completion, we want you to check out and to be aware of our Artist Resource site: (Warning: Do Not Read Stoned)
http://www.BigTime-Artist-Resources.com  To indicate you have checked out and are aware of our Artist Resource site please type "YES" below: YeSSiReE bOb! We are forever in your debt!

 9. To give us an honest idea of how many people you know your band can for sure draw (whether it is higher or lower than the draw requirements listed for each Venue in question 3), What is your band's average draw in the PHOENIX market for an ALL AGES show? Mean, Median or Mode?  Do my kids count (they get in free)?
9b. What is your band's average draw in the PHOENIX market for a 21+ show?  Man, its such a range. We're a relatively new act but the clubs seem to enjoy the show. We choose to believe that providing a quality entertainment experience to the rock/punk crowd will out, and that if we focus on bringin tha PaRtY then the clubs can do what they do and we are all livin it! Unless they have already sold out to you of course.

10. What city is your band based out of? WeStSiiEeEd!!
10b. How many minutes does it take your band to drive into PHOENIX?  We're talking about 120 sq. miles here. We are capable of arriving to any worthwhile venue well before our scheduled slot. Do you book a lot of bands that need your help with this?

 What about during rush hour? Ya book a lot of early morning shows?

11. Based on the age demographic of your Fans, would you consider your band primarily a "BAR BAND," an "ALL AGES" Band, or equally "BOTH?  i consider us more as Punk Rawk Musketeers. Yeah.

11b. How did you hear about BigTime Entertainment? You sent me an message on the MySpace. I bet you do alot of that. Man, the MusiC Biz is soOoO glamourous!

YOU CAN CHOOSE WHO YOU PLAY WITH: iS tHa AlBa cHiCk VaiLablE?
12. Do you know any bands in the PHOENIX market that are interested in playing more often OR do you know any bands in the area that want to play a show with your group? If so, please list their name and E-mail address below and we would be happy to contact them with a Booking Form. You can also have those bands E-mail us a Booking Form Request.This is the easiest way sorry kids, there is no easy way :( to get onto shows with artists you like playing with. If they fill out a Booking Form, we have no problem getting them on a show with you!
 -  You could send them a message on the MySpace! How Cool!!
 -  Hey, wait a sec..I could probably do this myself..Call a Venue..Get a night..invite other bands..they got a PA and Security I could use..Sell some tix..promote..oh yeah..I have already done this..I sorry, what do you do? Oh yeah, collect the money. But hey, thats TiMs fAvOriTe part! Grrrr.

For all booking related communications, BigTime requires its Booking Directors to utilize E-mail exclusively. This is to protect YOUR Band from the unlikely event of being misinformed by our Booking Directors. In the event of someone on our staff breaking BigTime policy or misleading you, their supervisor will be able to find record of all correspondence, see exactly what was said, and take the necessary corrective actions. For further explanation of this policy please read the BigTime E-mail Policy at: http://www.bigtimeentertainment.net/email  For a further expository exposition of our BEEG TIME (tm) Policy of Policies Policy please send a stamped self-addressed to the BEEG TIME Legal Staff. Now get out there and hustle some tix you slackers!! Are ya really commited or not loser! Hut,2,3,4!    

(man..musicians are soo stoopid..im glad were businessmen)
 We also encourage you to read and implement the strategies that we have seen first-hand to be most effective in expanding your fanbase (sic) and getting what you want out of each show. You can also check out our Feedback site to see what Bands, Venues, and staff members are saying about what we do. i Kin gEt a gOod lOok aT a SteaK....
 http://www.BigTime-Artist-Resources.com  DoOd,yOuR fReE aDviCe?  tOtAllY wOrtH iT! i MeAn, YoU mUsTa tHuNk rEaL HaRd!
 http://www.BigTimeFeedback.com Help!!..iTs gEtTiNg dEepEr..gAh..

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 Thanks so much, looking forward to working with you on a regular basis! WoW, I would be totally SuRpRiSed!! THANKS,Ryan (hEy! I ThOuGht iT wAs AdAm! NeXt!!) Big Time Booking Director Big Time Bookin Dude! That is so SO! CHECK OUT NEW ARTIST RESOURCES!!! FoR mOrE hiLaRiOuS BulLShiT wHiLe yA lAy aRouNd dA hOuSe!
PS--Please ALWAYS INCLUDE YOUR BAND NAME in every email you send me. Thanks! No man, Thank You. That was fun!  lUv, tEh ReLiCs.